17 weeks

As of this morning I am 17 weeks pregnant. Still finding it so hard to believe, I have to get out of bed each morning and look at my belly to try and convince myself! Since the 16 week mark, by belly diameter (at it's widest point - which is currently just under my belly button) gained another 4 cm which was totally exciting and promising, and I'm measuring it and my weight once a week now for signs of improvement!

I still have not gained a pound during this pregnancy.....I was losing weight when we fell pregnant and then continued to do so until probably 3 or 4 weeks ago. Since then I have maintained that weight. I wonder when some extra will start to stick? My belly is definitely growing.......and my appetite is normal (except I not as interested in dessert as normal.)

(above is my belly @ 16 weeks)


Last Tuesday we had our 16 week checkup and our Ob checked the baby size - by looking at my belly and checked for the heartbeat. We got to listen to the heartbeat for ages! It sounded a little like a galloping horse! Totally cute!

I'm hanging out for when I can definitely feel embie's movements. I've had a couple of instances where I've felt something and am not too sure, so I'm just waiting for a definite one - grow embie grow! If it's anything like its Dad, I'm sure it will be a total wriggler/fiddler the whole time its awake!

As of Christmas day I will be 17 weeks 5 days pregnant which totally beats the pants off last Christmas when we were also pregnant, but most likely miscarrying. I can't wait until next Christmas when we are going to have a gorgeous little someone to spoil rotten!

15 more sleeps til our 19 week scan with a different specialist, and we find out how our baby's doing and what sex!

15 weeks

I am currently 15 weeks, 3 days pregnant, and a little tired of me doubting myself! When will i just get to enjoy being pregnant!

It's only 5 more sleeps til our next obsterican appointment next Tuesday and I can't wait! I am prepared not to be having a scan but am dying to at least hear the babies heartbeat and know that everything is on track!

4 weeks between appointments is far to long, I'd love weekly ones just to keep my sanity levels at a normal level.

I have been feeling fine the last couple of weeks. I've notice my appetite has fully returned to normal, maybe even a bit higher than normal, and my belly is at consistant size each morning, which I think means that the hyperstim issues must be gone???

I have a few questions lined up to ask the obsterican when I go. Like - is it safe to get my hair coloured (which I know he will say yes, but I need to hear it from him); and how much of my belly would still be hyperstim bloat, and how much is just normal baby belly for 16 weeks.

13 weeks (P2)

My GP tested my urine, ordered blood tests and a full abdominal ultrasound to fully investigate what had happened. She doubted it was a gallbladder attack, as my pain the next day had changed.

The ultrasound revealed 2-3mm stones in my gallbladder and a funky lil embie that did a 180 degree turn whilst we were watching it! It was sooooooooooooo cute! Today was the first day we saw it in an upright position in my body, as every other time it was on its side.

Anyways the GP looked at all of my results later that day and advised that the stones in the gallbladder are normal and that it wouldn't have been enough to have caused such an attack.
She put it down to the OHSS. I think I agree with her. I remember my first time with OHSS my husband had to take me to the emergency room with immense pain that resembled what I had the night before. Super scary!

I'm now 13 weeks 6 days and itching for another ultrasound. I feel like I might be more relaxed and comfortable if i have one a week! I wish!

This week has been fairly good, I've had a few lil aches and pains which i have put down to embie growing and my uterus stretching etc. I've also had a discomfort type feeling where my pubic bone meets my abdomen whenever I am going between standing or sitting. I feel it may be a OHSS thing more than a baby thing, but it still worries me. I have decided if it persists today and tomorrow I'm going to call the midwife tomorrow afternoon and have a bit of a whinge and see what she thinks.

I am now totally over OHSS and am dying for the symptoms of it to 'f' the hell off! I was imagining at the end of the 1st trimester for my tummy to go back to a normal 13 week pregnant size as the bloat would now be a thing of the past. However I was sadly mistakened as by belly has not decreased in size a single centimetre!

I read this morning that it can take up to the 15 week mark for the HCG levels to settle back down to what they were when you first fell pregnant, so maybe it is going to take until then?

Emotionally I think I am going really well considering..........I still have this terrible feeling that the baby won't make it in the back of my mind the whole time, but I balance that with telling myself that the chances of that happening are next to nothing, and that its been through the hardest/riskiest bit already, and made it, therefore it's one tough lil cookie!

I know that either way, as long as I continue to do all the right things - not over doing it, no heavy lifting, eating all the right foods, that I'm doing all I can, and the rest isn't really up to me!

I had my TSH tested again with a perfect result of 1. I'm so grateful my thyroid is playing nice!

Its now going to be just over two weeks until our next obs appointment (14/12), where i think we just hear the heartbeat and don't get a scan - which sucks! Its then another 3 weeks from that appointment (04/01) until we have the big scan that looks at absolutely everything and we should then get to find out the sex!

13 weeks

Today is the first day of 13 weeks pregnant!!!! and also the first day of my 2nd trimester. I absolutely cannot believe it still and feel like I'm in some kind of beautiful dream - that I want to last for another 6 months........

This is a pic of what my embie would look like about now.............................................................

We actually got to see embie on the Friday just gone, by matter of a kind of emergency really. On the Thursday night as we had just finished up dinner I started to get waves of pain across the top of my abdomen (just under my chest). They would go from one side right around to the other and by 8.30pm I had the choice to either go to bed and try and ride it out or go to the emergency room because over the two hours they had gotten worse and worse.

I decided to go to the emergency room because I was concerned for embie, even though I was fairly confident the pains had nothing to do with him/her. After we had been seen by the doctor there I was diagnosed with a Gallbladder attack, as when the doctor put pressure on where my Gallbladder was and asked me to take a deep breath in and out, it really hurt.

He sent us home advising that usually a Gallbladder attack was normally for females who were fat and forty. He said that my recent IVF cycles and this pregnancy had increased the hormones in my body which can bring about an attack. He said hopefully it was a light first attack and that I should go home and rest with a panadol.

Well about an hour after being home and going to bed, the pains up'd their anti and set me feeling like I was going to pass out, I go the shivers and my teeth started chattering and the pain was 10 times worse than it was an hour or so before. I got my husband to get me the laptop so I could google how long a Gallbladder attack was meant to last for, and it said 15mins to several hours!!! Trust me to get the several hour version!

The next morning I woke to a tired sore belly from my lower abdomen to right up under my chest and from one side right the way to the other side. The pain had changed to more like whole belly tenderness whenever i moved. I made an appointment to see a GP before work.

To be continued....................

10 weeks 1 day

Today I am 10 weeks 1 day pregnant ( i hope).

Since I last posted everything has seemed to have gone fairly smoothly overall. I still had lil bits of mostly brown or a tiny streak of pink every couple of days when i would wipe after going to the loo. Other than that, I noticed at around the 9 week mark, I seemed to loose my 'off feeling' and started to feel a lot more hungry. This concerned me as straight away i was thinking oh no it's a sign that something is wrong.

Last Friday (I was 9 weeks, 4 days) I was at work and had some bright red blood when I wiped. It was more than a spotting amount and I totally freaked out (on the inside). I felt like that was it, the sign that things were all going south, I was kind of shocked really. I straight away made the decision to call my Obstetrician and explain what had happened and ask for an urgent ultrasound. They were quite happy to accommodate me and got me in at the end of their day.

I met our obstetrician for the first time that day and am really happy with my choice, he seems really friendly and competent. He did a scan (my first external one!) and quickly advised that everything was fine! He showed us the embryo on the screen and let us hear the heartbeat to reassure us. I couldn't make out much through my tears of happiness and relief, however my husband said he noticed such a big change from the previous scan - this time embie had little nubs where its arms and legs are that it head was a lot more visible now.

I'm not sure what caused the bleeding, but the obstetrician didn't seem that concerned really, he took a swab from my cervix to scan for any infections, and I haven't heard anything back from them yet, so I'm assuming its all good. I recall on the Wednesday before the bleed I had really bad lower back niggles throughout the day, maybe it was just my uterus growing and adjusting? Who knows? But I haven't had a streak of pink or brown or any other colour of the rainbow since!

I'm so thankful we were able to have that scan as it was over two weeks since the last one and was just over another 2 weeks until the 12 week scan, so it should keep me feeling confident for that brief window of time.......fingers crossed.

I absolutely cannot believe that I am 10 weeks pregnant and am so over the moon excited, proud and thankful! I pray numerous times a day that this pregnancy will make the 'safe' 12 week mark and then hopefully to full term of course!

I still haven't got back that 'off feeling' I had in the earlier weeks (which is good I guess), however I'm still struggling with eating and can never decide what I feel like, or find something that I eat the lot of.

My belly is still quite noticeable - maybe people think I've put on weight? Or maybe it looks like a baby belly - I'm not to sure, I just know that a lot of it must be hyperstim bloat as in the mornings my belly is a lot smaller than by the end of the day!

Still going....

It seems pregnancy means I have been a major slacker when it comes to my blog!

My last post described the scan I had almost a ftn ago. Since then we returned to the FS for a scan last Thursday. My FS was able to measure the embryo at 7 weeks 1 day, which means we picked up a day since the scan the week before. We were also able to hear the heartbeat this time with the Doppler. It sounded so cool. We also got another couple of pics to take home.

Towards the end of the scan my FS said that he saw something else..............I was like 'Here it is! Its the 2nd embryo we are meant to have and it was hiding in the first scan!' I said to him 'Oh oh that doesn't sound good!'

Anyways he saw what he thought was a second embryo, yolk and sac, with no heartbeat, somewhere other than my uterus! Scary to say the least. He said that if it was, which he wasn't sure of, at least it didn't have a heartbeat and hopefully it would deteriorate on its own and not cause any dramas. However understandably he referred me for an urgent scan with an obstetrician in his building for later that day.

The obstetrician had a much more high-tech ultrasound and heaps better set up. They did the internal scan and looked at every inch of my lower abdomen. They checked out embie and measured it again. This time measuring at 7 weeks 3 days, which is only 2 days off where I should be if you go by my LMP rather then when I probably ovulated in my cycle. I will always remember the technician saying that it was a 'fantastic looking foetus.' She probably says that to everyone but I tell myself that now when I have a weird pain, or spot of pink etc.

After looking at embie they measured each of my ovaries. Determining that the right one was double the size it should be and the left was larger than it should be - but not as close to double. They advised I had a cyst on one ovary and two follies on the other one. They also showed us all of the free fluid I had floating around in there. From this we determined that my hyperstim from two months ago had probably flared up again due to the pregnancy hormones which explains the conditions of the ovaries and the free fluid. It also explains my baby belly when I shouldn't have one yet - I'm actually losing weight, not gaining it! So what my FS saw was most likely the cyst on my ovary.

So anyways as of today I am 8 weeks 3 days pregnant and counting my blessings every second of every day. I cannot for the life of me believe that I've gotten this far and still think it will all be taken away from me at any second. I think this has definitely curbed my excitement about the pregnancy as for some strange reason I must think that if I don't get excited or show too much happiness about being pregnant, if it all gets taken away from me it won't be as hard! I know that's not true!

I love this lil embie and want it to stay and I beg with whoever is listening every day that i want it to stay and be the one that makes us a family.

Symptoms wise I feel 'off' at various times throughout the day - I can't really predict when or if. I have lil lower back niggles. I pee more regularly. Can never predict what I feel like eating or when. Sometimes at dinner time I'll be so hungry I eat too much and feel over full, and other times I'll barely eat more than a few mouthfuls. I have constipation which is probably a result of not just the pregnancy but also that lovely side effect of hyperstim...........rrrrrggggggggggghhh. So for the last week or so I've incorporated a glass of pear juice at dinner time, and fresh fruit each day for lunch. I'll also snack on dried apricots. I've totally gone off coffee, and chocolate, and some other normal things I was eating before I was pregnant like sultana's and crackers.

I will try and post again in the next couple of days. Wish I had a scan coming up soon. 12 weeks is way to long to have to wait!

Pregnancy update

Since Tuesday I have not had any more spotting by the way of red blood. I have had a couple of instances of a brownish colour when I wipe after going to the toilet, but nothing bad enough to go on a pad etc.

I have begun to in the last day or so feel not so good on and off most of the day now, rather than just in the evenings like pretty much all of last week.

On Friday morning we had a scan with my FS which revealed a embryo with a heartbeat that measured at 6wks 1 day. I was meant to be 7 weeks today, however taking into account my regularly long cycles, I probably did ovulate late and hence the embryo is hopefully right on track. My FS totally agreed with this, however said he wanted to do another scan next week just to check that it is still on track and growing at the right rate.

I was so scared having that scan, my legs were shaking so bad that it was hard for the FS to get a clear picture- one that wasn't shaking. My husband and I are so excited that this time round we got to see the little flutter of a heartbeat on the screen, although it wasn't quite strong enough to pick up the sound on the doppler.

We got three lil pics of the embryo, so on the way home we stopped in and bought two lil frames to put them in and have put one each on each of our bedside tables.

My FS advised that once they have detected a heartbeat you have an 85% chance of the pregnancy continuing healthily. Which at first I thought sounded like great odds, but its only really 5% more of a chance of the whole 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage odds.

Does it count that I've already had 2 from 2 miscarriages???? I wish it did!

I would give anything for this pregnancy to be the one that makes us a family and hope that whoever the powers that be that are in charge are listening!

Reassuring results

Since Sunday I managed to make it all through Monday, couch bound without any spotting! I was very happy with myself! I went to see the GP and advised of my Sunday spotting and asked for another two HCG tests. I also got my scan with my FS brought forward from next week to this Friday when I should be 6 weeks 6 days and am praying for a healthy heartbeat!

In the early hours of this morning at approx 3am I got up to go to the loo and had a light brownish discharge when I wiped. Needless to say my husband and I found it very hard to go back to sleep, worried that it was the start of more bleeding, so I had today off work as well - couch bound.

I had my HCG test this morning at 8.30am and called for the results this afternoon. The reading was 30 866. Which at first made my heart sink because it was my understanding that the results are meant to double every 48hrs meaning my results should have been over 70 000.

My husband decided to use a online HCG calculator where we got some reassuring results that as the pregnancy develops the HCG levels slow down. For example when your reading is over 6000 the HCG level may take 4 or more days to double. This calculation puts me right on track with my result.

I am still taking it one day at a time, just happy to make it through another day - hopefully still being pregnant. I can't wait til Friday for the scan to know one way or another.

Who would have thought being pregnant would be so scary!

Third time lucky?

I have been putting off writing this next post for one, thinking that I would jinx it, and for two, not wanting to get ahead of myself. However this mornings events have made me realise that I should have been journaling all of this from the very start - to get it all out and not forget anything.

So at Day 35 of my last cycle I did a pregnancy test. I decided to do it because i was being retarded and had started to get that niggling feeling and ridiculous hopefulness that my period was late for a reason, IE that I had somehow, inexplicably fallen pregnant and I didn't want to get my hopes up any further than what they already were.

So to both my and my husbands HUGE surprise we were pregnant - naturally - on a break from IVF. I did two tests - to be sure, and they both really quickly came up with a thick, dark second line!!!!

Looking back on the days leading up to doing the test I remember that one night I woke with a 'headache' type pain in my middle lower abdomen, and I also recall the slightest trace of pinkish coloured mucus when I went to the toilet on a different day.

When I showed my husband the two positive tests his jaw totally dropped - we were both genuinely so surprised that we had fallen pregnant on our own. I cried that morning too, because I was so scared to be pregnant, scared of the possibility of it not working out again. That is the scariest thing I know.

So that was Friday 24th October. I went to the GP that morning and she gave me to referrals to have my HCG levels checked (at my request) because I knew I was in for a stressful time and anything that could make the coming weeks less stressful was healthier for me and the embryo.

My HCG levels on Saturday 25th October were 2100+ and 47 hours later on Monday 27th October they had more than doubled to 4800+. We were both super happy with these results!!!

I continued to be very cautiously excited though, carefully examining the toilet paper after i had wiped for any little trace of pink and taking it super easy in the afternoons when I would come home from work. I would over analyse every little pain and niggle wondering if it would signal the end of this pregnancy. I kept telling myself to be positive and that this could be 3rd time lucky?

I continued with my acupuncture each Friday as I felt this really contributed to me falling pregnant naturally in the first place, and thought it too would be the best thing for the embryo to continue on its journey.

By Friday 01st October I was confident I had developed an UTI and made an appointment to see a GP first thing Saturday morning. With a urine sample the GP confirmed the infection and prescribed me with Keflex - 3 per day until they were all gone. I know that UTI's are common during pregnancy and that antibiotics would be prescribed - so I was fine with it.

Which brings me to today. This morning I have had the first signs of everything going south. I have had some spots of bright red blood and the tiniest clot pass by lunchtime today. I am totally devastated. I had really hoped that this pregnancy would be the one for us and that we were leaving the whole drama of infertility behind us....maybe, maybe not.

I am now confining myself to the couch for the entire day and will drag myself off to the GP tomorrow and request another two referrals for HCG levels - 48hours apart. By now they should be over 40 000 and then the next double that.

I am praying that we are still 3rd time lucky and that my bleeding was just a small one off bleed and I'm good to go.

I know that if the worse happens I am going to be ok. I will survive it and one day get the strength back to try again. It just totally sucks.

Still waiting

Still waiting for my period to raise its ugly head! Its Day 33 today and it should come within the next day or so......

We are on a tight schedule this cycle, because my husband and I have an o/s trip planned starting on 31/10/10, and I need to ensure that this IVF cycle is definetly over by that date. If I was to get sick again with OHSS my cycle of discomfort would be extended for the whole cycle and mine are generally on the long side ie. 32-34 days.

There are no mixed feelings with regards to doing my forth IVF stim cycle........I absolutely hate it! I'm dreading the injections, the bloating, the discomfort, the early 4hr round trip drives every couple of days, the scans, the anxious waiting to see what my ovaries and follies are going to do, the surgery, the recovery, the risk of OHSS, the waiting game to see if your embies are going to make it, or more likely not.

We are not at all good friends, IVF and me - and I've given it more than enough chances!

Made a change

I have made a change I have been thinking about for a little while. When we first started seeing my FS he said that the one coffee a day that I have would not be a problem (caffeine wise). So I continued to have my morning cuppa each day, up until the point of embryo transfer when I would cut it out altogether.

When not doing an IVF cycle at all, on the occasional day I may also have an evening cuppa. That combined with the chocolate eating I have been doing in the last couple of months must mean a more than healthy amount of caffeine being consumed into my already infertile body.

I have been researching making the switch to decaffeinated coffee, so I can continue to have a morning cuppa (like all the 'fertile' people out there) minus the guilt factor. I discovered that in the process of decaffeinating coffee, most companies use quite a lot of chemicals in the process! So all the people out there who have switched to decaf due to less caffeine, are now actually consuming more chemicals than regular coffee.

There are a few brands out there who do organic instant decaf which means that not only is their coffee grown organically, but the process of eliminating the caffeine is also chemical free. My lovely husband found one such brand for me at Coles, (after we had already looked at Woolies and IGA) and I tried it out last night - thinking it may take a while to get used to..........

Not at all! Its great! Slightly different taste to my normal coffee - but so far I'm glad I made the switch! I think I'll stay on this one all through my journey to conceive and then journey to keep a pregnancy (fingers crossed I get another chance), and who knows - maybe even after then, because it is the healthier alternative.

An open window...

Well yesterday morning we got up early and made the trip to see our FS. He requested we have an appointment with him before we were ready to start our next cycle of IVF (which unfortunately is only a few weeks away - maybe 3).

He went back over the details of what our next cycle would be like:

Antagonist cycle - no syneral - injections once daily, then gradually twice daily and then on one day 3 injections as the trigger injection will be given.

He discussed the possibility of OHSS and how it can't be ruled out, but why we are going to do the cycle we are and how that may assist in reducing the possibility of it.

He also again discussed the issues with a fresh transfer with me and my increased chances of OHSS worsening if I fall pregnant (cos I seem to be prone to it) and also seemed to open the window with a multiple transfer slightly, which I was not expecting. He said basically that the cycle would be played by ear, however when and if it comes to a frozen transfer (and assuming we get more than one blastie) he may consider transferring two embryo's!!!!! Well now I think about it, he did exactly say it that way either, but he did mention putting two back - which he has never mentioned in a possible light before.

The reason it is semi exciting is because a psychic long ago told me that my first pregnancy would be twins and that I may need IVF to get there. Ever since, I have been wondering how the hell it can happen when the clinic is so strict with their single transfer policy (which I know can split to twins).

I hope and pray that this cycle is a winner in so many ways, but at least to not get sick, and have at least one embie make it to a healthy blastie and survive the freeze and thaw........oh and maybe a nine month pregnancy thrown in too would be good!

Goodbye mid 20's

Goodbye, and fairwell mid 20's..................

I would like to say you faired me well, but you did not.

I know I will always look back on my mid 20's as a terrible time, the worst of my life to date.

I am praying that my late 20's, and early 30's are not filled with the same depressing infertility associated crap, and that one way or another I can move on.

Fingers crossed
xxx

Some Funnies

Infertility: (n) a medical condition that diminishes self esteem, your social life, as well as checking and saving accounts. Causes sudden urges to pee on sticks, cry, scream and a fear of pregnancy announcements. Treated by a medical specialist who you pay to knock you up - this does not always work. Affects one in ten couples.

If you don't want to know the truth you shouldn't ask. When are you having kids? When my ovaries start working.

I hope to one day kick infertility's arse!

Infertility bites and I'm biting back!

Hand over your baby dust and no one gets hurt!

Wow lucky me! Infertility and your stupid comments!

If God's plan is to let everyone else have children while I sit back and watch, then I want no part of it!

Infertility hurts like no pain I've ever known - but thanks for bringing it up!

I spent $20 000 on fertility treatments and all I got was this lousy fat arse!

I'm not nearly as old as my eggs want you to believe!

Noticed I've got a bit of spring back in my step.....

Dr Dissection: Part 2

So Part 1 left off with our new IVF cycle for next time. Next time is going to be three periods apart from the last stim cycle, ie. two full cycles break.

I definitely need the break, as I think i made it clear to myself yesterday that I am in no shape to be doing another stim cycle any time soon.

I'm disappointed that we are not doing a minimal stim, as I had kind of got my head around what a great idea it would be - mainly because:

• I have done 7 Letrozole cycles before, with next to no side effect;


• One cycle resulted in a quick 6 week pregnancy; therefore


• the quality had to have been good enough to have formed an embryo and started to implant at least which is equal to the best IVF result we have had so far;


• no risk whatsoever of OHSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  

At least i can tell myself if this one doesn't work out then we have a next step and its minimal stim - at lost less angst, gotta be worth a shot.

Something else I came to realise at yesterdays appointment is that there still seem to be plenty of options ie. this IVF injection galore/no syneral cycle; minimal stims; and this other one the FS mentioned re LH injections he might be able to persuade the drug company to give me once they see how difficult a patient I am.

I know as much as I say I don't to do IVF again, I know that I can't give up until our FS says we are out of options or we are wasting our time, and I realistically do not want to be doing this another cycle, let alone until I am 30, but there seems to be enough treatment options to try until I reach that age.

I know that all of this and more would be worth the wait if we actually achieve a full term pregnancy and a healthy baby, but as I have said before, I am now no longer willing to do this at any cost, and I feel that just one more bout of OHSS, will have me totally and irreversibly over it.

Oh and just a reminder for my husband when he reads this: remember the FS did say to spoil me - and that was his professional opinion. Wish he'd written a script for it! :)

Dr Dissection: Part 1

So I have been a bit slack lately with my posts lately, and probably will be for the next 6ish weeks as the whole IVF front gets quiet for a couple of cycles.

My husband and I went and saw our normal FS who is back from leave and missed all of the drama of my last nightmare. I couldn't help but try and analyse him as he went over my results from each of my three cycles to try and work out what the hell is going on. He shook one of his legs (jitteringly) for pretty much the whole conversation which I found a little odd. Did he A) just feel slightly uncomfortable with the difficult conversation or B) did he drink to much coffee or C) was he worried about something - like how I was going to take the conversation? Whether we were going to be all fired up or not???? I don't know? I will have to take more notice of when I shake my leg like that (which i do) and what I am feeling at the time......

Anyways that isn't really important, it was just something I was distracted by in our discussion.

So the discussion went along the lines of one more IVF cycle using a different protocol:
-no syneral
-earlier injections starting at 100 units of Puregon
-more injections towards the end of the cycle
-more expensive cycle

His reasons for doing this one is to try a lesser dose of the original FSH drug used in our first two cycles (puregon); no syneral to try and assist with no OHSS; doing IVF over a minimal stim one last time to try and get a number of suitable eggs, rather than just none or one.

I started to cry when it sunk in that I was going to be doing yet another IVF cycle and through my wobbly voice I explained to him that I'm scared and feel stupid to put myself in a situation where I can get so sick again (OHSS). And that basically covers it to be honest. I'm scared of going through all of this again - injections, surgery, time off work, charging my body up on drugs to end up feeling like a infertile idiot who did it all for nothing and ended up in hospital to boot - all voluntarily.

Wow ok, this post is going to go on forever.............will do part 2 tonight, got to get to work!

Part of moving forwards....

Still dusting myself off

Its now Friday, Day 30 of the disastrous cycle from hell.

I fear my belly is back to its normal size, although I would love to loose an extra few cm's off of it (shouldn't I get something out of this whole ordeal?). My weight has gone down to what it was before this cycle started 30 days ago. I'm slowing down on the whole drinking my weight in fluids each day and actually sleeping through the night without having to go to the toilet numerous times.

Hmmmmm I'm sounding a little bitter.............Well I am and I feel I have every right to be for now anyways.

I'm sensing my period is a matter of days away if not hours and that once that is done for its time for the grieving and being bitter and depressed time to be over and to get up and get going again (with life that is - not with IVF.)

I want to get back into exercising and enjoying the odd alcoholic beverage - just because I can. I want to do some hard work in the garden and on my treadmill and not have to watch my caffeine intake! Yay! I want to do some things that will try and make me feel good about myself again, and not that I'm a pathetic mummawannbe who can't get what she wants.

I've made an appointment to go back and see my acupuncturist and will do so each week at least until we start IVF again.

I've also made an appointment to dissect the whole 'disastrous cycle' and discuss plans for a new one with our FS in a couple of weeks.

I went and saw a psychic yesterday who was not able to confirm whether or not I would have my own biological child (which I know she has done for others) and instead told me I need to try and have several doors open ie, biological child is only one door. I went hoping to be told what I had been told before by another psychic, that I would have two boys and a girl, and instead I came away questioning whether i will ever be a mum even more than I was already....

Bit of a sucky time, but I'll get through it, I have before!

Disastrous cycle end

In my FS' own words this cycle has been 'disastrous.' The dictionary definition of 'disastrous' - 'highly unsuccessful'.


The short version is: OHSS - hospitalisation - nil embies.

The long version:

Thursday morning I called the clinic for two reasons - to let them know how crap I was feeling and to get an embryo update.


Day 3 = Out of the 9 embryos left struggling from the day before we had:

• 5 x arrested;


• 3 x 6 cells;
  
• 1 x 5 cells.
  

Ideally on Day 3 they should be between 6-10 cells - so none were getting A grades or anything...

My FS called be back later that morning to speak to me in person and guage how I was feeling. He advised I take one Cartier aspirin a day to reduce the chance of blood clots, 1L of Powerade etc in addition to plenty of water and to travel down and see him in person that day.

His secretary booked an appointment for 4.00pm that afternoon and the trip down in the car was one of my most painful experiences e.v.e.r! With each lil bump in the road for the 1.5hrs the trip took, my whole mid sectioned absolutely ached!

Once at the appointment the FS did a scan both external and then internal to check how much free fluid there was, and also to check on the size of my ovaries. The ovaries had doubled in size to what they should be ( I think they were 6.5cm diameter), and there was free fluid everywhere.

From what I understand the free fluid fills up the follies that have had eggs taken out of them, and the spills into the spaces around all of your bits down there. The fluid comes from what you consume, (which can make you dehydrated) and it also starts to draw fluid from your blood and tissues (which makes the blood thicker and hence the risk of blood clots.)

My belly was absolutely huge and the FS said I looked terrible, with the pads under my eyes even looking bloated.

He hospitalised me, where he advised they would hook me up to a drip to control the fluids going in, measure the fluids going out (ie pee), give me injections to try and control blood clots and take care of my pain relief.

I felt a strange sense of relief to be hospitalised, knowing that every little thing would be checked and controlled and that there was less pressure on myself to know if everything was getting worse or better etc.

I was hospitalised from Thursday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. During my stay I gained a total of 3 kgs of bloat and my belly was measuring at around 106cm circumference at its biggest time. I was peeing every hour on the hour pretty much, which was good news, because anything I pee'd out obviously didn't have the chance to be kept on as bloat.

I had to record every liquid I consumed ie. every glass of water etc, and every pee had to go into a 'witches hat' that sat under the toilet lid and collected it. The drip went everywhere with me during my stay and I was encouraged to get up and get moving doing laps around the ward to get the blood flowing and try and reduce the bloat.

My FS would come and check on me each day and check my chart to see the in's and out's and measurements and stuff. He was very lovely and explained everything clearly and so didn't have to come in on his weekend off - he could have left that to the clinic FS on call that weekend.

I want to record the daily updates on my pathetic embryo's from when I was hospitalised as well:

Day 4 =

• 3 x 6 cells


• 1 x 7 cells

2 of which are graded as poor and are very fragmented and the remaining 2 are graded as fair and are compacted, but not yet morulas (which then go to blasties.)

Day 5 =

• 1 started to form a morula but only had 4 cells in one of its two sections (ie. one section forms the baby and other section forms the placenta) and was not considered enough to form the placenta, if it formed any further.


• The remaining 3 had not improved from the day before.
  

Day 6 = all arrested

So from 11 precious eggs were were swiftly brought down to nil within 6 days.

I don't quite know where I stand with the whole IVF thing right now, at the moment I am still fuming on the inside at just how pathetic my body is. And I'm angry that I was given a heart and mind that is dying to have children, put with a reproductive system that lets me down every time.

I feel stupid for letting myself get into a situation where I fell sick again and have to feel like crap for so long. It impacts on my work, my husbands work, our finances and our family and most importantly my health. I wonder if it is also impacting on my future health? All of this manipulation of my ovaries with so many drugs etc cannot be healthy........

I feel like I would just like to sign adoption papers and then wait for a child to show up on my doorstep in like 7 years time. That way we could just be somewhat 'normal' for the next 7 years and enjoy ourselves.

I would also like to be a foster parent, with or without my own children, as I feel i have so much to give and no one to give it to. And that there are so many children out there, born to people, that for whatever reason cannot care for them at the time, and I feel I would be more than capable!

This experience has made me realise that I no longer want my own child at any cost, because I have come to realise that I cannot take 'any cost.' I cannot take another bout of OHSS, and if I do, what if its considered severe next time???

We will make an appointment with my normal FS for when he returns later this month and just drill him with questions about what we can try next, how we can avoid OHSS (which I know they can never guarantee) and what he thinks my chances are of IVF still working for us considering how crap my eggs are and what a poor responder I am.

I need closure.......I need to know if this is ever going to work, or if we are just wasting so much more than our time. I need to know if we should be moving onto some other treatment ie. donor eggs or giving up all together. The best closure of this journey would of course be a pregnancy that actually goes to term.....but how far away is that - if its in our journey at all???

Where to start?

I am feeling my absolute worst/lowest/crappiest/angriest/saddest at the moment. Since I last posted everything has gone downhill.

• 7 of the 9 embryos are between 2-5 cells (normal) and 2 x 1 cells (poor);
• of those 9 embryos, all are considered to be below average quality;
• 24 hours after the EPU I started to feel bloated and uncomfortable;
• 48hrs after and I am in absolute pain and discomfort, unable to even lie down flat without being in pain.

I'm absolutely confident that this is OHSS yet again, and I am just praying for the strength to get through it, and then I'm telling myself that I am never ever doing this again to reassure myself that this is a twice off, and I can do it, because it won't last forever.

I'm feeling:

• bowel pain;
• a constant discomfort across my whole mid section from under my chest to my lower abdomen;
• waves of pain across this section;
• a tightness in my chest since I spent half the night lying in bed rather than being upright (i think);
• I don't have an appetite but have to keep my my fluids and extra fluids like powerade and pear juice.

When I spoke to the FS yesterday he recommended that we wait out until Day 5 for the transfer as originally planned, as I was feeling to ill for a Day 3 transfer. The problem with this being by Day 5 there may not be a blastie to transfer (not that I think I will be well enough, even if there is one to transfer.)

I can call and get an update on my embryos @ 10am............

EPU results

EPU went according to plan. I woke up to find a neat little 11 written on my hand. Very happy with that number, not too high, not too low.

I struggled a little coming out of recovery (which is not unusal for me) as when I first got up I felt a lil too dizzy and went rather pale.

Six Jatz and a bit of lemonade later though my blood pressure had jumped to a more appropriate level.

This morning I called to get the results on how many of the 11 had fertilized, and I am happy to advise that 9 made it which is a great result so far!!! I just need at least a few of these, well at least one really, to make to a beautiful Day 5 blastie!!!

I'm feeling quite good atm, I haven't needed pain relief since before bed last night and it is only this afternoon that I am starting to feel a bit more bloated than yesterday. I still have a deep, moderate pain in my lower abdomin, mainly felt when I am changing position, ie. getting up or sitting down or rolling over in bed.

I'm hoping I am well enough to be able to keep going without any pain relief and no further bloating. I've been keeping up my fluids and eating small meals with plenty of protein and fibre. Although I would kill for some chicken soup right now!

'D' Day

So today is 'D' Day, surgery day, scary day.......well one of the scary days I guess. Feeling quite calm at the moment, however I know the closer and closer it gets the more nervous I will be. This will be my 4th surgery in 13 months at the same hospital, for the same reason 'infertility.' I know I never imagined having had surgery at all, let alone on 4 occassions, prior to my 28th birthday, like ever.........

I just keep thinking about when I wake up this afternoon I will have a number written on my hand, a number which will tell me a number of things:
1st: How many follices had eggs in them; and
2nd: How close I may be to OHSS...

With my first IVF stim cycle we had the number 15 written on my hand which ultimately resulted in OHSS, 2 FET blastie transfers, one that resulted in a pregnancy lost at 6.5 wks (embie had no heartbeat).

With my second IVF stim cycle we had the number 4 written on my hand which ultimately resulted in 3 crappy embie's - all badly fragmented and a Day 3 fresh transfer to try and clutch at straws. BFN.

I am hoping today for a number inbetween the two for the main reason - hopefully no OHSS.

If I see a number higher than 15 I am permitted to dwell in the land of misery for the next few days assuming the worst and that OHSS will develop....... If I see a number lower than 15 I may take comfort in that, fingers crossed, no OHSS and that hopefully one lil sucker is mean't to be and can be a Day 5 fresh transfer next Saturday.

I'd also like to say a quick hello to amaprincess for becoming a follower - we are very close to the same day of our cycles this time around. By my calcs today is your Day 13 and my Day 19. Good luck to you and I'll be following your blog!

Day 18

Its Day 18 of stim cycle #3 and things are looking up! I had my final scan yesterday morning and I have 6 -10 follies at 17mm or more that are not too big and could potentially hold mature lil eggs for fertilisation!

I did my last injection of Gonal F and sniffed my last puff of Synarel yesterday, and then in the early hours of this morning woke up to have my injection of 10 000 units of Pregnyl.

I'm being admitted to hospital tomorrow at 12.00pm for my EPU @ 1.30pm. This should take about 30 mins and then its about 2 hours in recovery before the long trip home in the car.


If we are lucky enough to get a good grade blastie out of all of this (and no OHSS) I will have a fresh transfer next Saturday!!!

I'm feeling quite good atm. Feeling more confident about the outcome of this cycle and also feeling physically quite well too. I of course feel a bit bloated and uncomfortable from time to time, and I have had super sore breasts for over a week, but overall feeling quite well.

Slight improvement

I am feeling slightly better after my scan today. We travelled down for another scan (meant to be my last) and were met with a total of 13 follies. Each one had improved a couple of mm's on the scan on Monday. The middle group we are aiming to get decent eggs from are still a little on the small side though (With the largest at 17mm).

The FS advised that we would not usually go ahead with an EPU unless there were at least 3 eggs measuring at least 18mm. Not counting the two troublemakers that well and truly exceed that figure, i am still coming up short!

After what seemed like a long moment the FS decided to go another three doses of Gonal F @ the same level 112.5 taking me through to Friday morning as my last injection (hopefully). My lining measure at 11.7mm which he seemed happy enough with too.

He advised that if we were to go ahead with EPU on Friday we would be looking at possibly 3 follies at the right size, whereas if we try and hold out for an EPU on Monday, fingers crossed I will have more like 6 viable eggs.

I checked whether or not the extra injections had any impact on on the likelihood of OHSS, which he advised no, and that the only problem with extending this phase was that the uterus lining may get too thick and hence may not be suitable for a fresh transfer.

He still wants me to be prepared for the onset of OHSS, however is not as concerned about me getting it as he was with the last scan, as no new follies have made an appearance. I am continuing on the reduced dose of only one puff of Syneral twice a day to stop the likelihood of new ones popping up.

So overall I am feeling a little more confident that this cycle will not be a total waste of my time, emotions, health and money. Although I am still thinking it will end in OHSS.

Will keep you posted!

Feeling like crap

Yesterday was my third scan for my third IVF stim cycle and it was far from good. We had to see my normal FS 's colleague as he is overseas for the next month..... The new FS was fine, however my ovaries were not! I had plenty of eggs - forgot to count them actually as my focus was drawn to the size of them which was the problem. I had the two big trouble makers at 27 and 20 mm and then a range of others around the 12-15mm mark and then some stragglers up the rear at around 8-10mm. I also had some free fluid in the area, which I was advised straight away is a marker of OHSS.......joy!

So I had plenty of eggs, probably too many for my PCO's like ovaries to handle, none of which were growing at the right rate and all doing their own thing.

Whilst doing the scan my FS's thoughts were that the cycle would have to be cancelled, as the two trouble makers probably grew so fast that they may not have even contained an egg; the ones in the middle range should have been bigger; and the smaller ones pose a problem too, which I googled about - they can contribute to OHSS as the estrogen they hold creates a drama.

After having a bit of a think he decided to go with 112.5 units of Gonal F again for another two days to try and give the 6 follies in the middle range enough of a boost to be viable for an EPU.

I am devastated that I am turning out to be such a poor responder at IVF. I thought when I started this journey that it could possibly be a long one, but I never really considered the possibility I would be a poor responder......I'm really scared that I'll be told that IVF is a waste of time for us....I'm not ready for that.

So tomorrow is my final scan. The FS will make a decision whether or not to go ahead with an EPU and I'll get another update on how I'm looking on the OHSS front.

I'm curious as to what will happen if the cycle gets cancelled. Do the follies eventually release the eggs on their own and I ovulate and then get OHSS anyway? Or will the clinic still get me to trigger to cause maturation and ovulation and we can try naturally? Although because I'm at high risk of OHSS will we probably be advised not to try naturally as the OHSS symptoms are much much worse if you do in fact fall pregnant?

If I still get to go to EPU - which I only want to do if the FS really thinks I have at least more than 3 viable eggs, I so won't be getting a fresh transfer due to the OHSS which sucks as well.

Words cannot describe how much I am dreading the OHSS. I recall last time I felt super uncomfortable for over a week. I was in so much pain, one night in particular it was the worst pain I have ever experienced.

I simply cannot understand what the FS can try for cycle number four? They have tried a moderate dose of Puregon and it resulted in OHSS, a slightly lower dose of Puregon which gave me 3 crappy eggs and then a dose of Gonal F in the middle which is looking like the worst cycle so far!

Stim Cycle 3, Day 10

Ok so since my last post yesterday morning I have been super busy both at work and outside of work, and haven't had too much time to really think about and over-analyse how I'm feeling physically atm.

Yesterday at work I felt really good, by mid morning I didn't feel too bloated and the rest of the day I didn't really have any complaints! Nice! (I think!)

Today I have been going all day and haven't felt like my lower abdomen was going to explode at all. My jeans were a comfy fit and my only complaint was a low dull pain on and off in the afternoon.

So I whinge when I feel bloated and what not, and when I feel good, I worry that I feel too good and I should feel worse, and maybe my body isn't cooperating and my follies are misbehaving down there and not growing much at all!

Only two more sleeps until my final scan before egg pick up, and hopefully everything is even, the right size and there's more than 3 but less than 18.

Lil Whinge

Today I am not feeling off to the best start. For one my pants feel super tight around my waist/hip area, and secondly I woke up feeling tired even though I had a good nights sleep. I have a long day at work today and want to make it the whole day through without feeling like I need a nana nap or a lie down.....I'm such a sook!

Two whopping big follies...

Today my husband and I travelled down to the FS for our 2nd scan - day 8. It revealed plenty of follies on each ovary mostly normal sized ones for this time of the process, however it also showed two whopping big follies one at 18mm and the other at 14mm. (No wonder I'm starting to look like I have a baby belly).

Anywho the FS didn't seem overly concerned, however did mention that hopefully they wouldn't interfere and he kept me on the same dose of Gonal F for the next 4 days.

When I mentioned to the nurses at the clinic just afterwards about my two massive follies, I got more of an information. The nurse advised that sometimes when one or two follies are growing at a quicker rate than the majority they can cause issues with my hormones. I'm not sure exactly what this means and what it could mean for the overall outcome of my stim cycle, but it was clear its not a good thing, and that we want the follies to all be growing at roughly the same rate.

So today I have been feeling a little down, worried as to what the worse case scenario could be and how I will handle it. Might have to google the differences in growth rate of follies???

Wish I had someone to talk to who has experience with all of this.....

A bit of history

So my husband and i were married close to our 5th year together in November 2005. We started TTC in March 2007 and did the whole 12mths on our own. With no success there, we went to our GP who did the standard tests with both of us, and we discovered that I had high TSH readings which indicates Hypothyroidism - a sluggish thyroid.

I was referred to a FS whom put me on Oroxine to treat the hypothyroidism and also our primary infertility. No other issues arose from various blood tests, ultrasounds and a HSG. So we started on the track of ovulation induction, where I would take Letrozole to induce and pretty much force by body to ovulate.

At the start of our 3rd cycle of Letrozole I started seeing a Chinese Herbalist/Acupuncturist whom put me on a series of chinese herbs, did weekly acupuncture and altered my diet, excluding things like dairy, oranges, soft drink and spicy foods. This cycle we fell pregnant, however this was very short lived and within 6 weeks I was bleeding and an ultrasound revealed an empty uterus.

We did another 3 cycles of ovulation induction before we were advised to then consider either IUI's or IVF. We decided to go with the IUI's first as IVF seemed way to scary and extreme!

Meanwhile since I had been diagnosed with Hypothryoidism, I was having regular checks on my TSH levels to determine how it was doing. It wasn't doing that well. My own research indicated that I should have a TSH between 1-2 if I was wanting to concieve and my FS was telling me between 1-5 was fine. I eventually decided to ask for a 2nd opinion and travelled to see a Endocrinologist. He confirmed that my research was right and that the FS had not been medicating me at the right levels! I was absolutely fuming that so many months had gone by and that my high TSH levels could have been contributing to my infertility !

To say that I had lost all confidence in that FS is an understatement and after doing 2 IUI's with him we decided to get a second opinion with the aim of switching clinics.

I made an appointment with an FS in our nearest capital city which is about 2 hours drive and we travelled down to meet the FS who had the earliest appointment. This FS, clinic and hospital was a major step up from our previous one! After reveiwing my medical history and that of my family, he was willing to do a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy which revealled mild endometriosis which he lazered off at the time of the procedure.

We then did a stim cycle which resulted in 15 eggs retrieved, OHSS, and only 2 day 5 blasties to be frozen due to the OHSS. The OHSS was a total nightmare for a good 5 days. It is the absolute worst that I have ever felt with the pain so bad one night, my husband had to take me to the emergency room. I never want to experience it ever again!

Our first FET went disasterously with a bleed occurring only 2 days after the FET. Our second one went awesomely, as we got a BFP! However this one was also short lived as the very next day after the positive test I started to spot and miscarrried for the next 2 months! My ultrasound at 7.5 weeks revealled a embryo with no heartbeat, with its size making it about 6.5 weeks. That was the most heartbreaking thing I have ever seen or experienced and to have the miscarriage process drag out over 2 months was really depressing.

After a short break we started our 2nd stim cycle which was a sucker! My meds were lowered in the hope that I would get less eggs of better quality and no OHSS. Well I didn't get OHSS, but that would be a little hard considering by my final ultrasound before the egg retrieval, I only had 3 eggs to collect! With my track record from last time, I knew that my chances of getting a day 5 blastie were extremely unlikely.

Well all 3 eggs were hopeless quality and they decided to whack the best of the 3 back in on day 3 in the hope that it might do better in a natural environment than in the lab. Needless to say it didn't work out which brings us to where we are today with stim cycle no.3.

My wishlist for this cycle is at least 10 eggs of which at least one makes to be a day 5 blastie + no OHSS..........fingers crossed anyway.

Stim cycle number 3 in full swing

So my stim cycle number 3 is now in full swing. Im currently on day 6 and have just done my morning drugs: two sniffs of Synarel and one jab of Gonal F. This is my first cycle using Gonal F as opposed to Puregon, so I'm interested to see if its affect on me is any different.

Yesterday we took the 2 hour early morning trip to my FS (Fertility Specialist) for my first ultrasound, which looked good. I had about 8 tiny follicles on each ovary, which my FS seemed happy with. He also advised that he was going to be going away for a month starting this Friday which unfortunately means I will need to see one of his colleagues for most of my treatment this cycle - that totally sucks!

When I have more of a chance I plan on doing a 'How we came to be here' post detailing our journey until now.

Just starting out...

So this is my very first blog. Ever.

I wanted to start a blog for a number of reasons:
-to be able to share my journey of trying to conceive with others whom may be in the same boat;
-as (hopefully) a healthy way of keeping track of my journey for myself; and
-as a way to (hopefully) get support from others whom have had the same journey, and in turn be a support for them.

I aim to post each day once I get in the swing of things and will post shortly giving a background on how I came to be here....on this 'trying' jouney of trying to overcome infertility and conceive and maintain a healthy pregnancy.

Thanks,
Mummawannabe